


Unable Are the Loved to Die

by BasicallyACat



Series: Devotion [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Blood and Injury, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Luffy Being Luffy, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POV Roronoa Zoro, Pining, Pre-Time Skip, Roronoa Zoro is Bad At Feelings, Zoro swears a lot, no beta we die like men, non-verbal communication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24785554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasicallyACat/pseuds/BasicallyACat
Summary: "The undeniable truth about how he felt conflicted greatly with everything else he was trying to accomplish. Luffy was his captain, and Zoro was his first mate. That was what their relationship was and that is what Zoro told himself he wanted.He had not set out on the ocean to fall in love damnit, and neither had Luffy. There simply wasn’t space between them, cluttered full of dreams, aspirations and responsibility, for something like romance.Luffy was his captain. "
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy/Roronoa Zoro
Series: Devotion [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792699
Comments: 44
Kudos: 294





	1. The Way We Are

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to my mess of ZoLu feels!  
> As I've been re watching the series over quarantine I got sucked into these two crazy idiots and their dumb love for each other.  
> This goes up until Soabody, spanning pretty much just in their time in the Grand Line.

_“..he was more myself_

_than I am._

_Whatever our souls are made of_

_His and mine_

_Are the same.”_

_-_ _Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights_

He had realized early on that he was in love with Luffy.

Zoro had spent years training his mind and body, always keeping track of the health and stability of both. So, when the day came that he had looked up to see Luffy bathed in sunlight, shining so brightly Zoro had lost his balance _, something_ clicked into place. Heart hammering, chest tight he had stared while Luffy laughed, his voice ringing against the breaking of waves, smile bright enough to challenge the sun. He realized that this was the man he would give his life for.

It had freaked him out a bit, at first. Emotional attachment wasn’t something Zoro… did. Or at least he made a conscious effort to avoid it if he could. There had been a few days where the swordsman separated himself, spent more time with his swords than breathing people in order to work through the mess forming in his chest. He found comfort in the routine forms, the relaxing sound of steel slicing the air. He thought better while in movement, understood battle more than the complexities of human emotion.

The undeniable truth about how he felt conflicted greatly with everything else he was trying to accomplish. Luffy was his captain, and Zoro was his first mate. That was what their relationship was and that is what Zoro told himself he wanted. Which was true, if only partial. His traitorous heart wanted _more,_ more of what he knew he could not have or even think about without jeopardizing the whole crew. There was too much going on for him to be harboring such soft emotions. He had not set out on the ocean to fall in love damnit, and neither had Luffy. There simply wasn’t space between them, cluttered full of dreams, aspirations and responsibility, for something like romance.

Luffy was his captain.

He could love him, could be loyal and devoted but only within the parameters of that one truth. Everything else, every other way ward feeling or thought, Zoro had to bury those so deep within himself that even he forgot they were real. So that was what he did. He focused all those messy emotions into being what Luffy wanted him to be. First mate. Swordsman. Nakama. It was okay to love Luffy, love him with every breath, every swing of a sword, every drop of blood, but only that.

Zoro made a decision that day, a promise deep within himself that he held close and precious to his soul.

Luffy was his captain.

It was surprisingly easy, loving Luffy. Except there was no surprise at all because everyone eventually got caught up in the power of the man, fell into step behind him. Luffy gathered people and hearts as simply as flowers. He reached people. Connected them together, held them close to himself with an unshakable trust. His power went beyond that held within his fist, extended further than the physical. Luffy sat at the center of their solar system and the crew circled around him cradled in his unshakable gravity. It was a type of strength that was intangible yet undeniable, something only to be felt. It was a power Zoro didn’t have, an ability that couldn’t be trained into his body or grasped in his hands. Something he could only stand and marvel at.

Zoro was glad not to be the only one so wholly dependent on that power, a sunflower forever leaning into sunlight. They all basked in Luffy’s warmth equally, but Zoro knew he was the only one who wanted to burn in it. A trapped and forgotten part of him wanted to hoard all of Luffy, everything the man could possibly offer until Zoro crumbled to dust beneath the heat. Pirates aren’t known for sharing, but in this case that was exactly what Zoro had to do.

Luffy was free with affections and compliments, lavishing his crew with love even as they grumbled and complained. Zoro prided himself in knowing that to him especially, Luffy had just a little bit more to give. They shared a bond few people could ever understand or put to words. They moved together as two people who had been together for lifetimes, shared looks like freely spoken words, read each other’s movements as easily as printed text. They had always been like that, falling together easily, simply. Zoro knew Luffy better than anyone else, and Luffy knew him better than anyone. Luffy was all of their captain, he trusted and relied on them all but in Zoro he had just a little bit more faith, leaned on his first mate’s strength just a bit heavier. Zoro soaked in this knowledge, drank in Luffy’s trust in him like it was all he needed to survive. He took everything Luffy gave him and told himself it was enough. In return for everything Luffy gave them, to him Zoro promised to give back twice fold in any way he possibly could. A devotion born from more than just love, but pride, strength, and respect.

Luffy was his captain.

It was hard sometimes.

They didn’t fight often, usually found understanding somewhere in the middle, agreed to most things otherwise. But there was something about Whiskey Peak, tensions high before the scope of the journey before them, bafflement in the face of stumbling into something bigger than them. Maybe Zoro was feeling especially exasperated with his captain’s naivete. Maybe Luffy was feeling the weight of so many lives pressing into his shoulders. Whatever it was tempers flared, all the differences between them became unbearable and Zoro drew his swords against his own captain.

They fought seriously, each one of Luffy’s accusatory punches reaching deeper than just his skin. It hurt, and not just because Luffy could throw a mean right hook. It hurt that Luffy had jumped to conclusions, that he hadn’t stopped and _listened._ It hurt that Luffy thought so little of him, could even imagine that Zoro would do anything against his wishes. It was ridiculous and frustrating because hadn’t Zoro made it clear at this point? Wasn’t his utter foolishness for the man apparent? Despite how carefully Zoro held himself in check how could Luffy possibly doubt him?

That fight left a bitterness on his tongue, a bruise on his pride as first mate. He didn’t give a damn what anyone in the world said about him, laughed at monikers like “Pirate Hunter” and “Demon Swordsman”. Yet just ones mans opinion of him was enough to send him brooding and licking his wounds in the few solitary spaces on the ship. The fact that Luffy had laughed it off, quickly moved on to the next adventure as if nothing had happened made it worse. Zoro tried to do the same, tried to rationalize that maybe he just hadn’t done enough yet, hadn’t proven himself enough yet.

That made it worse.

His stewing and brooding lasted a day, a whole twenty-four hours of snapping and growling at anyone who came close, before Luffy found him.

Zoro was up in the crows nest, moodily staring up at the stars instead of out across the ocean for sign of trouble as he should be. The tale tell sound of someone climbing up the rigging gave him enough time to school his expression into something less monstrous before Luffy’s straw covered head poked up into his line of sight, replacing the stars.

“Zoro!” Luffy always said his name with such honest joy, as if they hadn’t just seen each other earlier at dinner, as if Zoro was the only person he wanted to see just then.

Zoro hated how much he enjoyed it.

He turned his face away, grunted in response and waited for Luffy to reveal what he wanted. It was obvious that he had climbed up to talk to Zoro, the thought creating a sickly happy feeling in the swordsman’s stomach. He simultaneously didn’t want to see Luffy and cherished his presence. The feeling familiar, always seeming to sprout up whenever Zoro was particularly struggling with his resolutions and all the things he didn’t let himself think about.

Luffy settling on the rim of the crow’s nest, his bare calf pressing into Zoro’s shoulder. Heat soaked through the thin material of his shirt, spread impossibly up to the base of his throat. He considered moving away- didn’t want to give himself away. Stayed still. Luffy hummed above him, face upturned to the sky, a soft smile danced around the edges of his lips.

“I get why Zoro likes it so much up here,” he said after a while. “Zoro’s special spot.”

“I guess,” Zoro craned his neck, tried to get a read on what Luffy wanted. His captain’s eccentricates weren’t uncommon to him, he just wasn’t sure he felt up to dealing with them.

“My spot is better though,” Luffy snickered, mischief lacing his voice.

Zoro snorted, not wanting to go into _that_ debate again. Luffy was downright territorial over his spot on Merry’s figurehead. “Whatever.”

They fell into comfortable silence, staring up at the stars as the quiet sounds of the ocean filled the space; waves breaking against Merry’s hull, the creak of rigging. It was something Zoro appreciated, the easy times they spent together simply existing at once without the pressure to form words or fill quiet with unnecessary noise. Luffy was rarely quiet, rarely still for longer than a minute. Now and then however, he slowed down, settled into Zoro’s pace and relaxed completely.

He had zoned out, lulled into a thoughtless peace, which is why he flinched when Luffy spoke again.

“Zoro’s a good first mate.”

He scoffed out of reflex, covered how his heart had jumped into his throat, how his pulse started racing in his ears. He couldn’t quite stop the tensing of his shoulders fast enough, how they crept up to his ears in denial.

Luffy noticed, as he somehow bizarrely always noticed the things Zoro would rather him not.

“Hey, I mean it,” Luffy frowned, kicked his leg sideways with enough force to knock Zoro sideways. Zoro let out an indignant squawk, shoving the persistent limb away as Luffy cackled. There was a slight scuffle, Luffy screeching at the top of his lungs while kicking his legs and Zoro trying to either capture them or shove his annoying captain off the crows nest. In the end he managed to pull Luffy off the edge, pin the flailing limbs beneath his own with a satisfied grunt.

Luffy laughed, completely at ease despite his vulnerable position. Zoro looked down at him, took in the moonlight reflecting off brown eyes, the round cheeks flushed with happiness. Luffy sprawled across the floor, completely relaxed under Zoro’s hands, his face open and trusting as he smiled up at him. Zoro found himself smiling back, stupid and fond and helpless in his feeling for his idiot of a captain.

Nothing else really mattered.

Leaving Luffy behind in Alabasta to face Crocodile alone had been one of the hardest things Zoro had ever done. Watching the horizon overtake Luffy’s slight form, knowing that he was going to battle without Zoro to watch his back -he had almost broke. Fighting for Luffy, being the strength at the other mans back was the only thing he could give, the only thing he knew how to do, had confidence to do. There had been a moment, where he had almost tossed aside his promise to himself, all his sensibilities and just charged back across the sand because _Luffy was in danger_.

When he had spoken to the crew to trust their captain, let him do what he needed to do, he had been speaking to himself as well. Logically he knew it was the right thing. Logically he knew that Luffy was stronger than them all, that they had other things they needed to be doing. Logically he had known but that did not mean his chest hadn’t tied itself in knots, his lungs refusing to inhale properly all the way up until the moment his eyes fell on his ridiculous captain again.

When everything had calmed down, once all battles had fallen silent and his crew was back together bloody, exhausted but whole he had sat next to Luffy’s unconscious form for a while. He had taken in the bandages: the tale of Luffy’s struggles and triumphs torn and pressed into the skin beneath. He had watched Luffy’s sleeping face, obnoxious and loud even in slumber. Eventually, he had let his own bandaged hand reach out, pressed it into messy dark strands and his head fall until it landed softly on a boney arm.

For an indulgent moment he had let himself take in the presence of the man before him, the rise and fall of his chest, the beating of his pulse, the warmth of his skin. Zoro’s fears had been proven wrong, Luffy was alive and well even without Zoro there to protect him. Luffy had taken down a Warlord, liberated an entire nation and somehow came out of it alive. He was truly the most frustratingly amazing man Zoro had ever met. It was hopeless really. Zoro had been lost the moment he had seen that small hand extended towards him.

Luffy’s fight with Usopp had been hard on them all.

After all their triumphs in the Sky Island it felt worse. The knowledge that the Merry could no longer go on, the pain that came with losing a friend, tension from too many things left unsaid. Usopp’s guilt over losing the money, all their anger over what the Franky Family had done, it was no surprise it had all come to a boil. Zoro saw it coming, could tell that Usopp was really broken that time, that Luffy didn’t understand why. The two were the same age but while Luffy lived life completely unaware of his limitations Usopp paid too much attention to his.

Zoro was angry to see the other crew members waiver, as if they didn’t know whose side was the correct one. They were the Straw Hat crew, and Luffy was their captain. It was as simple as that. He didn’t condone the augment but agreed that it would have happened sooner or later. He hadn’t expected Usopp to attack Luffy though, the sudden violence of the usually timid man had nearly caused a sword at his throat as Zoro’s first response is always, to protect Luffy. He didn’t like to think of the disaster that would have occurred if he had followed through with that instinct. He had managed to hold himself in check, standing just close enough so that Luffy would know he was there. And then after Usopp had stormed out the door, and everyone was screaming Zoro had watched Luffy carefully and waited. He waited to see what it was the other man needed from him in that moment, because Zoro would have given him anything at all to make the pain he saw ease from those bent shoulders.

When Luffy had looked up at him then, Zoro knew.

_‘This is necessary, isn’t it?’_ Those wide eyes asked, lost for only a second.

Zoro hadn’t quite nodded, would never betray his captain’s hesitation to the rest of the crew but Luffy had still seen it. When the captain had finally stood, the pain was still there but his shoulders were straight, his jaw clenched in determination.

Zoro had to be just first mate then, had to reinforce Luffy’s will as captain or else risk everyone falling apart. Oh, but it had been hard. It had been hard to stay away when he knew Luffy was probably thinking himself in circles of all the things he shouldn’t have done. When he knew the younger man was terrified at the idea of everything falling apart, before they really began. Luffy didn’t let go of people once he had them, the very thought going against everything he saw in himself as captain. Zoro understood that, knew it from some pit in his stomach that was always a tuned to Luffy’s ways. In this however, he could do nothing but watch quietly, let Luffy figure out the right course of action on his own. Watch in solidarity as Usopp fought and bled and even fucken blew Luffy up for his own ideals.

It had almost killed him to hold still, to remain calm even as Luffy started to crumble. A man strong enough to bring down gods, yet with a heart big enough to love monsters. There was a twisted tragedy to seeing a man like that fall to pieces.

“It’s heavy” is what Luffy had said then, while hearts were breaking all around them and a friend lay broken in the dirt.

_‘I don’t think I can do this’_ is what his tears said and Zoro knew he would have to be strong enough for them both. Luffy didn’t need him to wipe away his tears or for Zoro to hold him until he felt better or any of those ridiculous things swimming around in Zoro’s chest. He wanted to. Fuck did he want to, frustrated beyond belief that in this he was useless. There was no enemy to cut down, no battles to be won except the one currently raging inside of Luffy’s heart. If he truly believed it could be solved simply by taking the man into his arms and shielding him from the world for a while, then he would. But.

That wasn’t how their relationship worked. That wasn’t what this was.

“Don’t hesitate,” Zoro said aloud, taking charge to give his captain a moment of relief, to ease his burden the only way he knew. That was what he could do, and what he would continue to do until the clouds parted, and the sun returned to Luffy’s eyes.

Having Robin taken so soon after the Usopp Situation, had been poor timing. Zoro had never quite trusted the secretive woman, and honestly would not have been surprised if she really had betrayed them. He had been glad though, to hear that was not the case. There had been enough damage done to Luffy’s smile, he didn’t want to see how strained it would be had Robin really wanted to leave.

But Robin being taken away for their sake changed the whole situation. There was a fight in Luffy’s eyes, all the hurt and frustration had crystalized into an insane plan that promised blood. Zoro had agreed, had easily stepped forward because he knew that Luffy couldn’t stand to lose anyone else right then. A few bad guys and whole lot of fighting would probably do them all some good. A focus, a goal that could be attained with fists and violence to beat away the ache. If Luffy was going to crash head first into what was definitely going to be a life or death situation, then of course Zoro would be right there with him.

Robin hadn’t been all that bad anyways. He didn’t mind taking the world government on. Fighting was what he was familiar with. Cannon fire, blood, adrenaline high in his veins and danger sizzling against his skin were things he knew. If Robin wanted to stay and be a part of their crew, if Luffy wanted her to be there then that was what Zoro would make happen. He trusted Luffy to do what he needed to do, held pride in knowing Luffy trusted him and the others to take care of everything else. He hadn’t doubted at all that they would be successful. Luffy was a man who moved mountains to his will, if he believed they could survive then they would. If not, then they were just letting him down.

Luffy had almost lost that fight.

They had all almost died.

They said goodbye to Merry and Luffy had cried for the two of them, always willing to take on a little bit more for his crew. Zoro had stood quiet, watching and aching as Luffy so freely expressed everything he felt but could never allow himself to show. Luffy, who was covered in bandages and barely standing took it upon himself to do what none of them could have done. Luffy, who looked so small and frail before Merry’s funeral pyre but still managed to bare the weight of all of their grief. Luffy who had declared war on the world government without a single pause to free a friend from the clutches of her past. Who had lost more than one friend in less than a week.

Luffy.

When they finally made it back to Water 7, and the crew wearily dragged themselves to their beds, hearts heavy and body sore, Luffy had lagged behind. His head had fallen into the space between Zoro’s shoulder blades, exhausted and heavy. They stood that way, Luffy’s weight leaning against his back silently for so long he was afraid the other had passed out. A sniffle, a wet huff of air bleeding through the fabric of his shirt.

“Sleep, Luffy,” Zoro mumbled, afraid to speak any louder in the delicate air.

He felt Luffy nod, thin arms reached up to weakly drape over his shoulders.

“Carry me,” Luffy ordered, voice torn and tear soaked.

Zoro make a sound of annoyance even as he bent, reached back to wrap his hands behind Luffy’s knees, hoisted the man onto his back easily. Luffy pressed a small smile into his neck.

By the time he gently placed Luffy onto his bed the man was fast asleep, tears still clinging to his lashes.

There were few things Zoro was honestly afraid of. Fear was a weakness that he didn’t allow to enter his body. Being afraid didn’t change anything, left you open to mistakes and vulnerable to death. There were few things he would acknowledge as true fear. One of those was the possibility that when Luffy truly needed him the most, either he wouldn’t be there or he wouldn’t be strong enough to help. It was a thing of nightmares, a recurring shiver down his spine whenever the battles became dire. He fought each battle knowing that nightmares do come true.

Luffy was a force of nature, Zoro decided. Something as undeniable as gravity, as solid as mountains, as dangerously awe inspiring as a volcano eruption. Enis Lobby welded together any cracks that may have formed between the crew during the Fight with Usopp. There was also an ease to Luffy’s posture, a confidence in himself that had been fading as the battles had gotten tougher. The ‘almost dying’ tally had gotten pretty high between him and Zoro. It wasn’t a good thing, yet it was a matter of pride. To have almost died meant they had taken on someone stronger than themselves and pushed through to victory despite that.

The challenges they would face from this point on would only be harder, the enemy’s forever stronger. There had been far too many close calls to be considered a complete victory. They either got stronger themselves or fell, let their dreams die. Zoro was always pushing against his limits anyways, always fighting for just another inch. He worried for the others, worried that he wouldn’t be able to protect them in the future. Everyone had gained something from their battles at Enis Lobby yet he wondered if they were going to slow, if at this rate they would really be prepared for all the New World would throw at them.

It wasn’t in his nature to worry, but a lot of things had changed since he committed to being Luffy’s first mate. Being a member of the Straw-hats had changed him. Loving Luffy had changed him. He had more to fight for than just himself. He carried more than just his own dreams, more than just a promise spoken under moonlight, more than just the ghost of a friend and all she never lived to accomplish. It had been odd at first, having so many lives tied so closely to his own. Once the dust settled though, it had become a comfort, knowing he wasn’t fighting alone anymore. 

.

They held the grandest party so far, laughed and screamed to the sky that they were alive. They were all alive and together and Luffy shone brighter still, chasing away the hurt of the past week. Zoro had caught himself smiling, watching his little captain bound around on far too many occasions. It had been hard to look away. The party raged on until the very thin hours of the night, the sounds of fireworks overtaking the memories of cannon fire, the smell of food erasing the stench of gunpowder that lingered no matter how many days passed. They drank, ate, and danced the battle away until people physically could not move anymore. Zoro came in and out of consciousness a few times, having drank a little too much over the course of the night. At one point he became aware of the silence around him, the last of the partiers finally succumbing. He had looked around, eyes somehow knowing instinctively were Luffy was, finding the man passed out on a table, food literally hanging out of his mouth.

Snorting at the unattractive image Zoro wobbled over to shake his captain’s shoulder, ordering him to _at least move out of the food idiot._ Luffy snuffled, looking rumpled, sleepy and soft as he straightened. When he had looked up to see Zoro standing above him his face exploded into a wide smile as if Zoro was the most amazing thing that he had ever seen. The power of it drove the breath from the swordsman’s lungs, the ache in his chest throbbing hard enough to make him pause.

“Zoro!” Luffy cheered softy, his arms reaching to twine around the other man’s neck as his body melted against the tallers.

Zoro blamed the alcohol, blamed the lack of rational thought because instead of pulling Luffy off him his arms wrapped around the smaller man, held him close. He was drunk, that was the only reason why he pressed close enough so that their bodies touched from thigh to shoulder. He was drunk and that was why he let his head fall forward into Luffy’s messy black strands, why he breathed deeply to inhale the scent of salt and sun that was forever present on Luffy. He was drunk, so it didn’t count if he gave in just a little bit.

Luffy hummed, nuzzled his face into Zoro’s chest in a way that spoke clearly.

_I like this._

Zoro closed his eyes, pretended like his heart wasn’t beating hard enough that Luffy had to feel it, pretended Luffy wouldn’t know what it meant. His arms tightened just a little.

_So do I._

Luffy was his-

If anyone had witnessed the strangely intimate embrace between captain and first mate, they didn’t say anything. If they had Zoro was prepared to deny anything odd happening, armed with the mountain of empty liquor barrels he had gone through that night as evidence. He and Luffy didn’t say anything either, which wasn’t exactly odd for them. Luffy continuing on as if nothing out of norm had happened was the best reassurance he could have gotten. It was just a hug, really. Maybe it had been a bit odd, a bit long, a bit too emotional for the people involved but it was still just a hug in the middle of the night between two people barely awake.

Zoro really shouldn’t have felt so exposed because of it. He shouldn’t have felt so guilty, as if he had taken something he wasn’t supposed to have. He shouldn’t feel as if he had failed somehow, as if he had broken an unspoken rule only he acknowledged. That while nothing at all had happened it had _felt_ like something, to him.

There truly was no reason to feel so panicked, which he told himself multiple times over the days that followed. He concentrated on acting the same as he always had, took all the messy emotions and forced them into passions he could actually understand.

Strength. Loyalty. Friendship.

Luffy was his captain.

Luffy was the captain, which was something that apparently everyone forgot sometimes, much to Zoro’s annoyance. He forgot sometimes how young and new to this Luffy was, the man swinging wildly back and forth from being incredibly reliable to a lax idiot. It bothered Zoro but he accepted that this was one of the ways Luffy needed him. Luffy was emotional -to put it mildly- and tended to do what ever the hell he wanted without much thought involved. Which was generally fine until it meant acting like a naïve idiot. Zoro didn’t care if everyone hated him for it when he put his foot down to letting Usopp come back to the crew as if nothing happened. He didn’t care about anyone’s opinions except Luffy’s, whose eyes had met his with a threat to begin with before melting into grudging acceptance. He wouldn’t have minded if it had turned into a fight, he was prepared to do what was best for Luffy, even if the man himself disagreed.

Later, when tensions had settled and the crew had wandered away to their own amusements Luffy had paused, his hand wrapped around Zoro’s forearm tightly.

“Don’t talk about leaving so easily,” voice low and hard, his eyes burned with a ferocity the made excitement bubble in Zoro chest. He found his lips curving up in a satisfied smirk. He had no intentions of leaving the crew- ever really. The only way he would ever stop being a member of the Straw-hat crew was either in a pool of blood or if Luffy sent him away. He had said it to get a response, to verbally smack Luffy into thinking rather than just letting his emotions rule him.

“Don’t give me a reason to,” he drawled, meeting the iron in Luffy’s gaze easily.

“I won’t,” Luffy nodded. “Even if Zoro wanted to, I won’t let you leave.” 

Surprised, Zoro frowned, an odd feeling sputtering in his stomach. The words sounded binding, wrapped him in invisible chains that dared him to try and break them. Anger sparked, pride on the line he leaned into Luffy’s personal space, his larger body looming.

“Do you think you could stop me?” he growled, teeth bared in an expression that would break lesser men.

Luffy didn’t flinch of course, didn’t blink, held Zoro gaze and spoke with the same kind of certainty one might say the sky is blue. “Yes. I would stop you.” His hand flexed over where it still gripped Zoro’s arm- possessive. “Zoro has to stay.”

Zoro believed him. Believed that Luffy would fight to the death if he had to, would drag Zoro back to his side bloody and beaten to a pulp if that was what needed to be done. There weren’t invisible chains binding Zoro in place, but there was a man, who had lost too many precious things in his life to allow another to fall away.

The press of fingers into his skin threatened to brand him, the set of Luffy’s jaw and the fire in his unusually serious eyes were all saying one thing;

_Mine._

Zoro didn’t know how he was supposed to take that. Didn’t know if Luffy had meant for the air between them to become so heated or the space so minimal. He didn’t know how to stop the tightening in his throat, the flurry of his heartbeat. There was a finality to Luffy’s words that made his head spin, as if they were talking about far more than just the structure of a pirate crew. As if the rest of his life had just been defined for him. Rationally he knew that they couldn’t be talking about anything else but…

He leaned away, took a full step back in retreat from the tension and finally looked away. Horrified he felt his face heat up and could only pray Luffy didn’t notice it.

“Don’t I get a say in this at all?” He grumbled.

“Nope!” Luffy chirped lightly, intensity forgotten. His hand finally left Zoro’s skin as he too took a step away. Zoro found it easier to think without the warmth of the other man so near. He tried to center himself, calm down. It had been a while since Luffy had completely thrown him like this. He continued to grumble, more for the sake of his pride than anything and risked a glance down at Luffy’s face. He regretted it.

Luffy was watching him with a smug grin, eyes bright with amusement in a way that let Zoro know that he was fooling absolutely no one and of course Luffy could read him like a fucken book. The red tint on his cheeks persisted.

“Whatever, don’t you have shopping to do or something?” Zoro grit out between clenched teeth, feeling harassed and bewildered and annoyed because of it.

Luffy chuckled.

“Yeah! I want to buy some more of that water water meat stuff! Ah! I wonder if Chopper would buy me some?”

“Go ask him,” Zoro grunted, needing the man to just leave already so he could figure out the last five minutes.

Luffy grinned, bounded towards the door yelling Chopper’s name. Right before he exited the room however, he paused, half turned his face back, met Zoro’s gaze from beneath the brim of his hat.

“I’m serious you know,” he said softly. “I don’t think I can do this without Zoro with me.”

If the world stopped spinning, if the universe spontaneously exploded around them and everything was destroyed, Zoro wouldn’t have taken notice in that moment. He stood trapped, helpless in the weight of those words, that gaze, this man. He inhaled, horrified in the way the air stuttered and broke in his too tight chest. His throat squeezed, all those buried secrets choking him in effort to be released. To for once be honest with himself, admit the full impact that single sentence was having on his heart.

He swallowed them down, straightened his spine and screamed at himself to stop being a fool.

“Okay,” he said instead.

Luffy smiled.

Zoro lied and told himself that smile didn’t simultaneously make his heart skip a beat while shattering it into a million pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is art for this chapter!  
> https://waytoomuchfanfiction.tumblr.com/post/639526857126100992/fanart-of-a-scene-from-unable-are-the-loved-to-die


	2. It's Why I Stay

_“We’re waiting for tomorrow,_

_But tomorrow never comes._

_Our last breath is right upon our heels,_

_Yet we still refuse to run.”_

_-E.H_

Usopp returned to the crew in the mist of cannon balls, family strife and ugly sobbing. Luffy was a mess, Usopp was a mess, Zoro thought he might have even seen the shitty cook wipe a tear away.

The relief he had felt then was overwhelming. If they hadn’t been in the process of running for their lives he may have sat down and laughed from the freedom of it. If for some ungodly reason Usopp had not made it on the ship on time… it had been his decision to not allow Luffy to go drag that cowardly ass back where it belonged.

Zoro breathed deep, focused instead on the hailstorm of iron heading their way.

He didn’t regret anything in his life. He stood by the words he had said to the crew, believed in them fully. He had not been wrong in saying them and if Usopp had been too prideful to come back properly then they did not need someone like that on their crew. However, even with all of his convictions that did not mean he enjoyed watching the conflict play out on Luffy’s face. He did not want to see how devastated Luffy would have been if Water 7 had faded from view and there were only 7 people on board. Luffy already tried hard to be a captain worthy of them all, Zoro had not wanted to see him sacrifice a friendship in order to achieve that.

So, he was glad.

When their eyes met later, Luffy’s face blotchy and tear stained, Zoro had smiled at him ‘ _you did well.’_

The sheer brilliance of the smile he received in response threatened to turn him to ash.

Thriller Bark changed a lot of things, with the crew, with Zoro, and with Luffy.

Honestly Zoro wasn’t sure why everyone was acting so serious about it. For him there wasn’t really anything to think about, nothing important had happened. The crew was alive, he was alive somehow- all was good. Yet there was a definite change that was more than just them adding another member to their crew. New people always changed the dynamic, but this was more, this was bigger than that. It was annoying knowing that part of this change was due to himself. It was annoying that now the shitty cook looked at him differently. Sanji’s eyes were dark, clouded by anger because Zoro had acted on his own, but the bite in his words had softened with a new kind of respect between them. It was annoying how knowing Robin’s smiles were, how her blue eyes glimmered with secrets Zoro was uncomfortable being a part of. It was annoying how Chopper’s big brown eyes would look at him in concern, the reindeer somehow figuring things out based on the extent of his injuries, or at least partially. Chopper always hovered but now he seemed determined to guilt trip Zoro into taking better care of himself, pestering him constantly over how close he had come to dying. It was also annoying that somehow Brook of all people seemed to know exactly what happened and he treated Zoro just a little more politely than the rest of the crew.

He hadn’t done it for respect. He hadn’t done it for the weird awe in Choppers eyes or for the stupid cook to stop picking a fight every two minutes. He had done what was necessary to save the crew, save Luffy. Nothing more, nothing less.

It wasn’t as if he was hiding it, really. He just hated how everyone seemed to think it was a big deal, the ones who knew at least. Blissfully Nami, Usopp and Franky went on as if this were just another “Oh Zoro almost died again” incident. It was better that way. He felt weak enough as it was, ashamed that he hadn’t had the strength left to put up a fight against Kuma. He would have rather fought and defeated the Warlord than make a deal. It wasn’t his style, but even he realized that the situation had been too dire to put his pride before the lives of people he cared the most about. All of them could have very easily been wiped out. Luffy was almost taken away from them.

That had been the deciding factor, at the time. No matter how close they all were, or how well they all got along the truth of the matter was that it was Luffy who truly melded them together. Not even just because he was the captain and they his crew, it went beyond that. Each and every one of them was bound to Luffy in one way or another. When someone joined it was because it was Luffy who asked, it was Luffy who held out a hand and gave them a place at his side. Without Luffy there, keeping them all safe within his gravity Zoro was not sure the crew would be able to go on.

But Zoro… well. He wasn’t winning any popularity contests. They’d probably cry, because the entire crew was overly sentimental saps but they would be alright after a while. He had felt bad about Luffy; the other man would be pretty pissed off that Zoro went and died alone while the plan had always been to go out in some blaze of glory back to back and fighting til their last breath. He knew Luffy needed him still, needed someone there he could lean on when the weight of the whole world made him stumble. Zoro figured he would just have to put his faith in the rest of the crew, hope that Luffy would be okay. Every one of them were strong, even without Zoro there they would still be able to make it all the way to One Piece. Luffy would still become Pirate King.

It was with that conviction that Zoro had freely offered his life in exchange for theirs.

If there was any sort of hesitation present in his mind as he had stared at that giant paw shaped bubble it was this; Luffy’s face when he awoke to find Zoro dead. His captain was far too emotional, he loved with his whole being, gave everything freely and completely to the people he held dear. He would be so upset, knowing that he hadn’t been there to save his first mate in time even though Zoro had never needed saving before. He would cry a lot probably.

The thought of it brought bitterness to Zoro’s tongue in the unfamiliar taste of regret.

Zoro’s only consolation was that Luffy wouldn’t know the full context of the situation. If Luffy became aware that it had been in exchange for his life that Zoro had sacrificed himself…

Zoro had never once done anything against Luffy’s orders or will. He knew the man well enough to know what Luffy would do or want him to do in most situations. Yet in this one case, for the first time ever he did the one thing he knew for certain was against his captain’s orders. Luffy was a man who would tear the world to pieces if it was for the sake of someone he loved, he would never be okay with someone doing the same for him. The idiot had a weird sense of protectiveness, of duty for his crew as if he was the only one who could ever die for someone else’s dream.

So, it was with irony that Zoro had stepped into Luffy’s pain and waited to see what dying felt like.

When he had woken up three days later, stiff, hungry and wrapped in so many bandages he wouldn’t have been able to move even if he wanted, it was with surprise. Everything hurt like fucking hell, which is why he knew he was alive. If Hell was a real thing, he doubted it would have the soft baby blue blanket he knew was Chopper’s favorite, and if Heaven hurt this much then fuck that. It was more likely he was alive after all. Oddly.

Turning his head found him looking at the walls of the infirmary, and a small reindeer passed out on the chair by the desk. The small window in the door showed that it was the middle of the night. Chopper looked exhausted, which meant that he had probably been fighting like hell for Zoro’s life, even though Zoro had not meant to keep it.

For a minute he just sat there and breathed, tried to wrap his head back around this living thing. It hadn’t been easy, accepting the whole dying idea and now here he was backing out. Not that he was complaining, living was much preferred in the end. Zoro had shit to do, things he had lain aside only out of desperation. This way at least he didn’t have to feel guilty about how sad Luffy would be.

Shit.

“Luffy…” he groaned, thought about sitting up for the 2 seconds it took for his muscles to tremble and collapse. If he hadn’t died then did that mean…? Was Luffy-

His curses were probably what woke the doctor up. There was a flurry of hooves and fur and a million questions that Zoro managed to answer primarily in grunts. A glass of water was shoved in his face, followed by a handful of medications before the tiny doctor even took a breath. Zoro was just about to ask the questions burning at his throat when the infirmary door opened and Sanji walked in with a plate of food intended for Chopper. Their eyes met, and Zoro thought the cook was going to start a fight but instead Sanji simply tilted his torso back out the door and shouted.

“Oi! Mosshead is awake!” he set the plate of food on Choppers desk, shot one more heavy glance in Zoro’s direction and vacated just in time before the stampede of crew members spilled in. Chopper panicked, screaming at the top of his lungs that Zoro was still in a very dire state and _be careful! Do not jump on the bed! Luffy!_

Being confronted with the entire crew, looking a little worse for wear but very much alive was a relief. Seeing Luffy bound in, grinning from ear to ear and screeching something that may have been Zoro’s name, brought a smile to his face. His body fully relaxed, exhausted already just from the stress of _not knowing whether or not Luffy was okay._ The panic previously pressing into his windpipe released, something powerful and tasting like tears moving to replace it. The chatter of voices crashed over him but in that moment he couldn’t bare to look away from that sunshine smile, the only face that had mattered when he had thought it was the end. Luffy hadn’t cried after all. Zoro hadn’t totally failed him.

Something must had been in his eyes, or maybe in the lines of his face but Luffy quieted a moment, soaking in Zoro’s everything before joining Chopper in ushering everyone else out of the room. Sanji appeared, presented a bowl of thin soup with commands to ‘ _make sure that idiot eats it all’_ which Luffy took and promised. He promised again when a little blue nose quivered anxiously, smile never falling once as the small doctor was gently pushed from the room with orders to ‘ _rest Chopper I can stay with him.’_

When it was finally quiet Luffy looked at him again, eyes wide and searching as his smile turned hesitant. Zoro had no way of knowing what the other man was seeing on his face, didn’t know what sort of truth Luffy was searching out in his eyes. He just gazed back, waited patiently for Luffy to say the words he could see biting at the other mans throat. There was no point trying to hide or pretend. The thing with Luffy was the harder one tried to hide something about themselves from him the more likely that it was the one thing he would notice first. Zoro had only hidden one thing from his captain, and it was so carefully hidden within the truth not even Luffy’s crazy perception picked up on it.

Besides, he was tired. Tired all the way to his bones in a way he couldn’t recall ever being. Just laying there, breathing, keeping his eyes open, was draining everything he had. It was sheer will power keeping him conscious, the need to fully acknowledge that he was indeed alive, and so was Luffy.

Luffy wandered closer, strangely cautious as his hand raised to gently press the pads of his fingers into the side of Zoro’s face.

“Is Zoro okay now?” Voice soft, rasping and colored with something close to fear Luffy watched him with dark eyes.

Closing his Zoro leaned into the touch for a moment, soaked in the warmth of Luffy’s skin and felt closer to being a living thing.

“I’m okay,” he opened his eyes, met Luffy’s gaze with his own to make sure the words really got across. He didn’t think he was successful, as even as Luffy nodded his eyes swept down over Zoro’s bandaged form. The hand left his cheek and he only just stopped himself from protesting.

“Zoro was hurt really, really bad… you’ve been asleep for three days.” Luffy began fiddling with the edge of the blanket, his eyes focused on the bandages covering Zoro’s chest. “Chopper was super worried- he hasn’t left your side this whole time.”

There was a tragically despairing energy about him, as if the longer he stood there and stared the more he understood, as if it wasn’t until just now he had even allowed himself the thought that Zoro might not have woken up. He stared down at Zoro as if this was the first time he had let himself even feel his own fear. Knowing Luffy that was probably true. He would have continued on as if Zoro waking up was a certainty, pushed away his own concern to bolster the crew’s spirits and ease their worry. Now, away from the eyes of the crew and only after Zoro had indeed woken up did the whole thing come crashing down.

Zoro took a deep breath, cursing how weak he was, how incredibly useless he was this way. “I’m fine, Luffy.”

Luffy nodded again, took a large breath and looked away. His hand crawled up to curl around Zoro’s shoulder, fingers flexing with the need to prove that Zoro was indeed there.

Eyes straight, tracing the shadows along the ceiling Zoro pretended he didn’t see the tears that slipped passed his captain’s hasty fingers. He pretended that there wasn’t an answering moisture building along the rim of his lashes. His throat worked, failed twice to perform properly. “Idiot. I won’t die.”

Except he had meant to.

Despite how horrendously his body protested Zoro managed to lift his hand, wrap it around the one clinging for dear life on his shoulder. It was a gesture meant to comfort but was for comfort as well, still caught in how unbelievably _relieved_ he was. Zoro ran his thumb along the inside of Luffy’s wrist, felt the pulse beneath, closed his eyes and counted the beats. It was a small point of contact, Luffy’s hand squeezing against bruises and aches but warm. Alive.

They both stayed suspended within the heavy silence for a while, individually facing their own demons while drawing and providing strength to one another. Zoro’s chest swelled, filled up with to many things to form into words, half formed thoughts and passing wants that didn’t even make sense. His body hurt, his heart was a pulverized mass behind his ribs, his mind collapsing in on itself with contrasting sensations. Overwhelmed he opened his eyes.

“Luffy,” he was hesitant to speak first, but he didn’t think he could handle any more emotional tension for the day- didn’t think he was handling it well anyway. Luffy looked at him with wide brown eyes swimming with too many intentions to possibly figure out right then. Maybe when he didn’t feel like passing out at any moment. Maybe when his chest didn’t hurt quite so badly with pain unrelated to any physical injury. Instead he smiled for Luffy, a small and fragile thing that felt limp on the edges but- he tried. Luffy’s smiles always brought him courage after all.

“Help me up so I can eat that soup before that crap bastard comes back raging about wasting food.”

When Luffy’s arm slid behind his shoulders the touch was careful, but firm. Neither of them mentioned how it was Luffy who actually towed Zoro’s body into a sitting position, the swordsman barely able to do more than wince pathetically. It was then Zoro realized how grateful he was that it was Luffy in here rather than anyone else. Luffy knew he was hurt, but his touch was steady against Zoro’s bruises, holding him gently but not like Zoro was going to shatter into pieces at any moment. It was appreciated. He hated feeling weak, much less actually letting people see it when he was. But this was Luffy. This was his captain who quietly accepted the burden, who would never once think less of him for being injured. This was Luffy who usually had the mannerisms of a sea king in a tea shop but whose hands swept lightly over Zoro’s hair, settled any wayward strands as he quietly assured the man was comfortable enough to eat. Who couldn’t sit still for longer than a minute but looked at Zoro with a singular focus, as if he was the most important thing in the world.

Zoro drank his soup, drinking it straight out of the bowl and not even bothering to attempt the coordination required to hold a spoon. The warm liquid hit is stomach like a divine blessing, easing a pang he hadn’t even defined amongst all the others. It was delicious of course, strength seeping back into his limbs in the way Sanji’s food seemed tailored to create. Not that he would ever, until his dying breath, say that to the idiot ero cook.

Luffy had sat alert beside him for the first few sips, his eyes red and sniffles leaving him now and then, studious in his promises to make sure Zoro ate and was properly taken care of in Chopper’s absence. The dedication was appreciated but- awkward. That wasn’t a word typically associated with them.

With one or two well placed questions about what had happened in the three days he was unconscious Zoro managed to get the younger man talking, desperate for some of Luffy’s attention to be diverted from him. Soon Luffy was gesturing grandly, eyes sparkling with delight has he recounted something about a party, a song, and one thing or another that Usopp said.

Zoro sat quietly, a smile on his lips as he watched the expressions play across Luffy’s face, listened to his voice rise and fall with either laughter or excitement.

He was glad to be alive.

He got out of bed because he couldn’t stand to be there any longer rather than actually feeling up to it. His legs trembled with the effort, but he moved, stood straight, gritted his teeth hard enough they creaked and his jaw throbbed in protest. Everything else ached anyway, what was one more thing honestly. Chopper had offered him medication to help with the pain and he was grateful for it despite hating having to accept it. The medication was the only reason he was able to move around with a mostly normal stride but he’d be damned if he stayed in bed one more day. The send off from Thriller Bark was loud and obnoxious and Zoro had never been more relieved to leave a place behind. He wasn’t sure he would ever get those shadowy peaks out of his dreams. Memories laced with severe pain etched deeper in memory after all. The further they went, the more open ocean that lay between them and that horrible ship of terrors, the better he felt.

Except not really. An uncomfortable crawl had spread out under his skin that had nothing to do with his injuries. It festered, nagged at the back of his brain no matter what he was doing to ignore it.

He was too weak.

He peeled bandages off bruised and sore skin hissing like a snake the whole time but glad to be rid of the claustrophobic feel of them. He flexed muscles that trembled, stretched, and bent and tried to remember what it felt like to be strong. The body he was in didn’t feel like his own, wouldn’t listen to him the way it should. It had been days, he should have healed more by now.

He was weak.

The crows nest was his space somehow, and where he retreated from the gazes of the crew. He couldn’t decide if Chopper’s worried brown eyes or Sanji’s burning blue ones felt worse against the back of his neck. He felt a coward, running away from them but he needed… space. He felt suffocated and sore and messed up worse than he could remember feeling in a long time. The crew was moving on with cheers of excitement and anticipation, Fishman Island was waiting somewhere along the horizon and the air buzzed around the whole ship. He was looking forward to it as well though in a distant way clouded by all the things Kuma had blasted into his body with a resounding echo. That echo that reverberated on every action, decision and consequence that had led up to that moment.

He doubted himself for the first time in a long time.

Zoro meditated, trained for hours until his body physically collapsed from the exertion, got up and did all again. Over and over he pushed himself, cursing the whole time while the looming figure of the warlord hovered just outside the edge of his mind.

Luffy was acting oddly around him, now, and more than once the swordsman feared that someone had blabbed what had happened to cause Zoro’s injuries. But that couldn’t be it because he was confident that had Luffy known Zoro would have gotten his head chewed off and probably his face busted in by this point. So that wasn’t the cause but there was a definite… shift between them that he couldn’t recognize, didn’t understand and that unnerved him. The easy understanding between them was broken, the orbit in which they moved had stopped. He couldn’t figure out why, didn’t know how to fix it.

On occasion, while Zoro was training or napping along the deck he would feel the weight of the captain’s gaze on his back. The first few times it had happened he had simply looked back, raised a brow in question with the assumption that Luffy would say something. But Luffy had just continued to stare at him with that serious look as if he were trying to bore into Zoro’s very soul and find some sort of answer there. It was starting to really freak him out honestly- made him feel exposed and vulnerable in an unfamiliar way. He felt as if staying under that gaze too long would leave him completely wrecked as a person, like he would spill even the ghastliest secrets hiding away in his soul. Dangerous.

So, he ran to the crow’s nest, stayed up above the rest of the crew and hidden from view for as long as possible before pulling himself together enough to face them. It really shouldn’t have been a surprise that eventually, they sent someone in after him. On a small ship with limited members the slightest change in behavior became obvious in time.

It did come as a shock however, to see Nami’s orange hair pop up from the trap door when the time came. Her chocolate eyes surveyed the cluttered space with an unimpressed look and when they fell on Zoro, continuing his weighted squats like she wasn’t there, the look didn’t improve.

“It smells disgusting in here,” is what she said after a minute of him ignoring her. She went about the room throwing open windows and Zoro grunted in response.

“Hey.”

He continued counting his squats.

“Do not make me hit you you stupid muscled idiot you’re injured.” The threat in Nami’s voice was menacingly real. He set his weights aside, sighed and prepared himself for a conversation he would rather not be having. He hadn’t managed to even figure out what was wrong yet.

Nami stood watching him for a moment, gaze flicking up and down, arms crossed and face impassive. He was just about to snap at her to just get on with it already when she finally spoke up.

“Please tell me this isn’t some macho bull headed man thing about being defeated and now you’re moping about up here trying to kill yourself because of _pride.”_

Zoro scowled, his stance defense. “I’m not moping.”

“You’re so stupid,” Nami violently rolled her eyes, put her hand to her forehead and seemed to be questioning all of her life choices for a minute. This was a pretty normal thing. They had known each other for a long time now, him Luffy and Nami. She had been the first one to join after him, probably the only reason they even made it to the next island and all the ones after that too. This was how she was, yelling, nagging, she would curse and call them all idiots but while he wasn’t sure they could be considered friends, he trusted her almost as much as he did Luffy. A different kind of trust, one formed by long days at sea together and constant bickering until they had fallen into an unlikely companionship. He might have even heard a type of fondness in her insults now and then. It was the two of them, after all, who were in charge of the crew below Luffy. It created a tie between them, the two sides of the Straw-hat crew: knowledge and strength.

Maybe it wasn’t so surprising that Nami was the one who came and got him.

“Listen, I don’t know what really happened with Kuma, and I don’t need you to tell me that you probably went off and did something idiotically heroic and nearly got yourself killed for it.” She rolled her eyes again at his look of surprise. “I’ve been with you two dumb asses long enough to know how you are, don’t look at me like that. Both of you are exactly the same, you and Luffy. That isn’t the point. The point is that just because everything didn’t go as planned doesn’t mean you failed okay?”

Zoro looked away, refused to acknowledge his flinch as she somehow got straight to the heart of the matter. Grudgingly he was impressed on how observant the woman was.

“We’re all alive Zoro,” the pitch of her voice lowered, turned softer than he had thought possible from her. He kept his eyes on the window. “We shouldn’t be but we are, and you had something to do with that, whatever it is. Be proud of that.”

He grunted, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with her comment, decided he’d had enough of this heart to heart nonsense.

“Since when are you my mother?” he said, sending her his best glare. He had been trying to insult her, instead she threw her head back and laughed.

“I ask myself that all the time! Luffy is bad enough!” she chuckled on her way to the door. “Anyways, feel free to stop moping like a baby any time. Even Luffy is acting worried. I think he only ate four servings of meat instead of seven.”

She disappeared down the ladder completely unaware on how her parting comment had affected him. Guilt curdled his stomach, a static burn filled his limbs as he flexed his hands to relieve the feeling.

Thinking you were going to die, for certain, had a weird way of forcing a person to think about certain aspects of their life. He had known this whole time how he felt about his captain, had long since came to terms with the reality of who they were. He didn’t regret that, not really. Yet, during one of those moments his brain could process anything beside the horrendous agony pummeling his being he had wanted- he had wished to just-

Growling in frustration Zoro moved to grab his weights again, determined to either beat or sweat the foolishness of his thoughts out of himself. It didn’t matter. The incident at Thriller Bark didn’t change anything, not really. He hated to admit it but he was shaken. With enough time and training he could and would get back his resolution. Everything was how it should be, between he and Luffy- he preferred it this way.

Settling himself back into his work out he tried not to remember the intensity of Luffy’s gaze on his back.

Life as a pirate never stayed peaceful for too long. Before long they found themselves wrapped up in someone else’s drama- as usual. Luffy told him to cut- so he did. Had to prove he could still. Zoro had not been pleased to see the octopus fishman Hatchi again, doubly so because once again he was injured and pathetically unable to fight to his full capacity. Those fish flying idiots should have been a piece of cake, should have fell easily beneath his swords. But he couldn’t, his body to exhausted from the combined weight of Kuma’s ability and then Zoro’s own rigorous treatment. He hadn’t been sleeping well. Hadn’t been taking care of himself properly in lieu of pushing himself towards the peace that only came with being the strongest.

He cursed himself all kinds of idiot. Forced himself to accept all of Chopper’s well intended nagging and tried to wrangle the anger in his chest into something more productive than self-hatred and angst. They were about to enter into the New World and here he was, acting like a fool.

Once they landed at Sabaody Archipelago he opted to go out on his own, needing the space and the quiet to work out the things in his head. He couldn’t enter the second part of their journey while a mess. It was good Luffy had found new interesting people to distract him as Zoro was pretty sure he would have exploded if his captain’s weirdly intense stares had followed him too much longer. He was grateful for Hatchi and Cami for providing the excitable man with something else to focus on. The island itself was also fascinating enough that at least for now Zoro didn’t seem to be Luffy’s primary focus and Zoro could use the time to figure his shit out.

He had been avoiding Luffy. Not extensively because there was only so far you could go while trapped on a ship with someone, but he avoided them ever being alone. He started taking his naps closer to were Robin or Nami usually sat out and sunbathed rather than over by the figure head where he knew Luffy would be. He sat next to Chopper or Usopp at meals and only went down to the men’s quarters once he was confident Luffy had already passed out. It was ridiculous, he knew. Knew that they couldn’t continue on that way, that it was dangerous to push so much space between himself and his captain. Hated the distance, the feeling of being off centered and unfocused without Luffy’s vibrant energy to tether himself to. The more he thought about it the more he found himself dodging away at every glance of straw, quietly rearranging himself so that there was always at least one body between his and Luffy.

The more he ran away the more he hated himself for it, felt stupid for having such idiotic thoughts. The more angry at himself he became the more he absolutely did not want Luffy to look at him, couldn’t bear to allow the man to see him in such a wretched state. He felt perpetual dread that Luffy would get fed up with it and just tackle him to the ground one day, force Zoro to spill his guts all over the ground For Luffy to scrutinize. That was a typical Luffy course of action, one that made sense. But he didn’t. Luffy stayed away, watched Zoro from across the deck with expressionless eyes.

That dissonance filled Zoro with fear.

Saobody Archipelago was filled with bounty hunters. Few proved to be any help in easing the tension between his shoulders. Fighting usually helped, battles were fantastic stress relievers but none of the weaklings who approached him were worth drawing more than one sword. A pity.

He should have known- perhaps he would have realized earlier if he hadn’t been preoccupied- that on an island crawling with bounty hunters, rival pirates and marines there was no way they would be able to leave without some fashion of drama occurring.

Luffy screamed his name, flying through the air with an impatient gleam in his eyes. When he had reached out a hand Zoro had taken it- hands touching again for the first time since the last time in a room dim with what ifs and suffocated by unspoken words- and let Luffy crash them both head first into trouble. The instinctual way they had braced together, Luffy solid in his determination beneath Zoro’s hands, had been like coming home, the distance closed and the world upright and clear. They weren’t okay- the discord temporarily closed in simultaneous agreement in the face of a cause and blood needing to be spilled- but perhaps they could be. There was a friend to save and that was the important thing. Luffy’s outreached hand had been a silent plea for Zoro’s strength despite everything, and Zoro had never once been able to refuse it.

Human beings could be monsters too. A fact that Zoro knew well but the amount of evil contained in that auction house had made even his breath hitch. Luffy had barreled straight into it, unrestrained by the fear that stopped most people dead in the face of such hideousness. The sight of Luffy punching that bubble headed puss of a man had been one of the most gloriously satisfying things Zoro had ever witnessed. Luffy had been pure fury; power radiating out of his body in waves that shook the very ground, stole the breath of every person present, fate bent to his will. His vengeance had been absolute, manifested in the crack of knuckles, the splintering of bone and tissue.

If it hadn’t been already far, far too late, Zoro would have fallen in love with him in that instant.

He got the fight he wanted. His katanas sang to the song of blood and death, bodies fell to the combined wrath of his crew. For a little while he remembered what it was like to be mighty. Marines flooded the auction house, white and blue against the dust as it settled. Ego’s clashed and sparked as rival supernova’s came together for the first time. The image of his captain standing next to two men equal to his strength but lacking Luffy’s power would be one that echoed into the halls of history but served as an annoyance to Zoro at the time. That was his place, not some gloomy bastard’s and a red headed jerk.

They fought and escaped, prize won in the shape of Cami’s smile and the relief in Hatchi’s eyes. Zoro felt the effort the battle had cost him bitterly, reminded himself that it was only just beginning and he couldn’t be weak again yet. There were most enemies coming, the threat of an Admiral imminent. Luffy laughed and still found time to keep everyone hopeful. Zoro rested while he could, listened to the old Pirate King’s first mate and told himself he would live up to the legacy.

Never one for goodbyes Zoro found himself wandering off on his own while the crew lingered around the Rip Off Bar. He breathed in the humid air, thoughts locked on the old man’s stories and the journey ahead of them. The battle earlier had taken the frenzied edge off of his worries, mellowed it down to weary acceptance. He needed to get over himself.

He had been nauseatingly selfish, neglectful in his duty and shameful as a man. If they made it off this island in one piece, he would talk to Luffy. Or rather by the time they got off this island there wouldn’t be anything to talk about because he would fix it. Somehow. Whatever it took it didn’t matter, but the piss poor job he had been doing as a first mate, a pirate, and a friend would end here.

The presence of another person behind him brought him out of his thoughts. Even before they reached him, he knew who was, could follow the cadence of those footsteps blindfolded in the dark.

“Hey.”

He caught the punch aimed at his face easily, hand wrapping around a thin wrist, felt the tendons beneath strain against him. Zoro frowned down at Luffy’s grinning face.

“What?”

Luffy wiggled free, danced away but didn’t go far.

“Zoro.”

“What?” Zoro said again, watching Luffy carefully. This was the first time they’d been alone together in days. The passing thought put him on edge, unable to relax into the calm that usually came with the bubbling presence. He hated it. Luffy had come for him after all. It was time.

“Hmmm,” Luffy hummed, shoved both hands into his pockets. He looked off into the trees with a false nonchalance. It probably would have fooled anyone else- too many people took Luffy at face value. Anyone else would have smiled at the lazy sway of limbs. Anyone else except Zoro.

He braced himself, sensed the undercurrent of tension in Luffy’s movements, knew that he was not going to like the next words spoken.

“Zoro is hiding something from me, right?” Luffy said and Zoro felt his heart plummet to ground.

In half a second the languid air had been snapped tight, the backs of Zoro’s legs tensed the way they did in preparation for battle. There was an answering flinch to Luffy’s shoulders, his body reacting to the change in the air even with his back turned. Zoro held very still. He couldn’t deny the accusation, could never speak a blatant lie to Luffy even if he tried. He could only stand there and wait.

The toe of Luffy’s sandal rubbed against the ground, his head bowed and expression hidden behind the brim of his hat.

“It’s okay… you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Luffy said. Zoro found himself analyzing the inflictions of his voice, tearing apart every falsely light hearted decimal to find the truth beneath. Hurt. Betrayal.

“Zoro doesn’t have to tell me,” Luffy said again, firmer like he was telling himself. “It’s just… it’s just that Sanji knows, and Brook knows, and Robin knows and Zoro has been acting _weird_ even though you said you were okay. Everything should be _okay_ now but it’s not.”

By the end Luffy’s voice had grown loud in its frustration, fragile and breaking around the edges. He still wasn’t looking at Zoro.

“Luffy,” Zoro somehow found his voice, driven to action by the pain in Luffy’s words despite having none of his own. “I-“

“Don’t lie to me,” Luffy snapped, finally turning to pin Zoro with a terrible look. “Not you.”

Zoro swallowed down whatever weak excuses he had been about to say, ashamed.

The steel in Luffy’s expression wavered, softened into something confused and anxious. He frowned, stared up at Zoro for a moment before once more hiding behind the brim of his hat, his hand coming up to clutch at the straw. His posture deflated, becoming small and uncertain. When he spoke again his voice wavered.

“Zoro feels really far away. Like you never really woke up and you’re still sleeping and I don’t… I don’t like it.”

All the air in Zoro’s lungs escaped him at once, driven out of him like a punch to the gut. The impact of Luffy’s words left him wheezing, crushed him into the ground as guilt threatened to swallow him whole.

“Luffy- look its not- shit.” Growling in frustration he scrubbed a hand over his face. He couldn’t tell him. Absolutely could not. It would destroy him. But he couldn’t do nothing, couldn’t stand by and watch the only person he cared about drift away from him. It was his fault after all, it was because of his own damn stupidity that they had reached this point. If he had just gotten his shit together than this wouldn’t have happened and Luffy wouldn’t-

He wouldn’t be the one causing Luffy pain.

“Look I’m not, good at this,” he began, floundered around to find the right words. “But I’m sorry okay? I’m an asshole and its not your fault but I let it mess things up. I’m sorry and I don’t- I don’t like this either but I don’t know how to fix it. Tell me how.”

He sounded desperate and hideously shaky but for once couldn’t bring himself care. This was Luffy. This was his captain, his best friend, his partner, his-

Everything.

Luffy chewed on his bottom lip, looked at him with wide eyes that always held too much, saw too much.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Luffy pointed out. “You only do that when you’re mad.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Zoro swore. He hadn’t ever been. He was just furious with himself.

“It’s been weird… with us,” Luffy said this hesitantly, like he wasn’t entirely sure he should say it. There normally wasn’t a need to point such details out between them. Rarely were such expressive conversations warranted. Obviously, it had been weird but the disconnect was great enough that Luffy felt the need to point it out. 

“Yeah,” Zoro’s eyes jerked away, anxious once more about what Luffy might notice just then. He was fully prepared to accept all the soul probing looks as just Luffy trying to ferret out the truth- explain away his own discomfort with his own vulnerability. It still bothered him though; how long it had taken Luffy to force this conversation, how it wasn’t until after a battle for their lives forced them back together that they had been able to reach this point, the gaping silence that had never felt so uncomfortable with them.

“That’s my fault,” Luffy surprised him, his face was scrunched up weirdly. “Zoro’s not the only one who’s dumb.”

“Guess so.” Zoro said, eyebrows furrowed because he had no idea what Luffy was talking about but unsure if he could ask considering he had no intention of explaining his own idiocy. “It’s fine. Things can go back to normal.”

He hoped- no. He _would_ get everything back to normal again.

Luffy tilted his head, regarded Zoro silently for a moment. That look was back on his face, intense as it shuffled through puzzles Zoro couldn’t fathom. Zoro watched the exact moment Luffy reached a decision, felt his bruised heart tremble before it.

Luffy took a step towards him, pushed his hat back off his head and met Zoro’s eyes with a challenge.

“I don’t want that,” he said. Zoro frowned, uncomprehending.

“What?” he asked because he couldn’t read Luffy’s expression, didn’t know what that dark look meant. He didn’t care what Luffy said next, he would do anything, give anything, if only to be free of the turmoil suffocating him.

“For everything to go back to how it was,” Luffy said, took another step. “We can’t go back in time Zoro.”

He was close now, close enough that Zoro could see the sweep of his lashes, how the sunlight reflected off his black hair, turned it dark brown. He could feel the warmth of Luffy’s body, smell the sweat and blood from the battle earlier. Luffy had a scrape just above the corner of his mouth, red and raw against sun tanned skin.

“What then?” Zoro’s voice scrapped against his throat, tight with the panicky thought that he should step back, move to a safer distance. He couldn’t- knew somehow that if he stepped away from Luffy right now that he would lose him.

Luffy wrapped a hand around the back of Zoro’s neck- holding him in place as if sensing Zoro’s half thought idea of escape.

“Maybe…” he muttered, leaned up on his toes. Zoro stopped breathing.

There was a barely there brush of lips against his own, the sensation hesitant, questioning, soft. Luffy’s breath spanned against his face, the hand on the back of his neck squeezed. Zoro felt a tremor go all the way down his body, a surprised gasp leave him as he stared wide eyed into Luffy’s. His body was frozen, locked tight in shock as too many emotions wracked through him. Confusion- anxiety- helplessness- realization- terror- dread that somehow Luffy had found out, that he had somehow given himself away and now Luffy was-

Elation.

The seconds were ticking by, a furrow was forming between Luffy’s brows, the brightness in his brown eyes was fading into something dimmer, the questions there becoming despairing. Whatever solutions he had been seeking, he wasn’t finding them in Zoro’s eyes. He started to pull away.

Zoro moved.

With a desperate sound his body moved instinctively to answer Luffy, his head diving down to press their lips together with enough force their teeth clicked. One hand moved to grip Luffy’s thin waist, the other threading into black strands as he crushed their bodies together as if Luffy was the only solid thing left in the world. He tilted his head, tried to find the right way their lips fit together, inhaled Luffy’s small noise of surprise and drowned.

Luffy tasted like the snack cakes he had eaten earlier, sweet like icing, his mouth molten as it moved beneath Zoro’s. Blood was rushing through his ears, his heart thundered in his chest. A haze, thick and impossibly dense like blood lust in the middle of a battle raged in his head, his body felt overheated. The kiss was messy, wet, Zoro stumbling his way through what barely there knowledge he had but Luffy eagerly pushing up to meet him, clumsily trying to keep up. He caught Luffy’s bottom lip between his own, sucked, dug his teeth gently into the soft flesh. Luffy whined in the back of his throat, the hand gripping Zoro’s shirt pulled hard, the sound of fabric ripping going unnoticed as Zoro pushed forward to lick into Luffy’s mouth. A moan ripped itself from his chest at the feeling of their tongues gliding together, the sensation wicked and unthinkinable. Addicting. The fingers in Luffy’s hair knotted, yanked the mans head into a better angle so Zoro could go deeper, take more. His head was spinning, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t gasp enough air in the nonexistent space between them. Couldn’t stop.

He burned at the places their bodies touched, completely overwhelmed even as he swallowed down every little sound Luffy made hungerly. He moved purely on instinct and some primal desire to _take_ everything he possibly could from Luffy’s skin.

Luffy made a frantic noise, pulled their mouths apart with an obscene sound. They stood staring at each other, panting. Luffy’s face was flushed red, his eyes blown wide and dangerous, his hair messy and flying from Zoro’s hands, his lips bruised and shiny. Zoro licked his, tasted Luffy on them. Wanted more.

But reality was slowly starting to creep back up on him, the full weight of what had just happened. What _he_ had just done. Right before he could spiral into complete despair though Luffy through his head back and laughed, wild and bright into the silence around them.

“Okay,” he said.

Zoro swallowed thickly, tried to remember how to form words.

“Okay?” he asked, voice hoarse; wrecked.

Luffy pressed his head against Zoro’s chest, arms wrapping around the taller man and holding on tight. He chuckled breathlessly, “Yeah.”

Zoro felt his world tilting, his brain scrambling to make sense of that- to make sense of anything. There was a part of him that thought maybe- maybe Luffy meant- he couldn’t possibly mean that-

That this, this new step between, that changed the definition of who they were to each other- was okay?

He was just about to question Luffy, to ask for actual words in definition this time because he couldn’t trust his instincts on this one, when a familiar shout cut through the whirlwind of his thoughts.

“Luffy~! Zoro~!”

Nami and the others were just cresting over a hill, finished inn saying their goodbyes to Hatchi and the others.

Zoro tore himself out of Luffy’s arms so violently his stumbled, his heart jumping into his throat and his whole face feeling a light because _holy fuck-_

“Oh, hey guys!” Luffy cheered, waved and seemed completely unfazed as the others joined them.

Zoro put his hand over his face and prayed to the god he didn’t believe in that no one noticed anything odd about his or their captain’s countenance. Thought they had to be able to heart how hard his heart was hammering against his rib cage. Then he cursed himself viciously for getting so caught up as to forget that literally their entire crew was _right over there_ and could have seen him and Luffy while they were-

A fresh wave of heat crawled up his throat and he hated himself just a little bit.

“Jeez, what were you doing wandering off on your own? Now isn’t the time for you to be getting lost!” Nami was chastising and Zoro determinedly turned away from them all, used every ounce of will he possessed to get a hold of himself. He wasn’t successful. Luffy laughed, said it was fine, no one had attacked them yet and Zoro remembered now really wasn’t the time for this.

Somewhere on the island an Admiral was hunting them, marines were crawling all over the place and this was not the time to be sucking face with his captain who may or may not be totally okay with that development. Neither was it the time to be worrying about said captain’s feelings, or how this impacted their relationship from here on out. There was a very real chance none of them were going to make it off of this island. Everyone was fairly relaxed and happy now, but the truth of the matter was that they could be attacked at any moment.

Giving himself a shake Zoro pushed all unnecessary things to the side.

He watched the back of Luffy’s head, the man casually strolling along side Brook as the others debated their game plan from here.

Once they survived this current crisis, once they were all safe and far away from this place, then Zoro could get answers to all the questions spinning around his head. Later, he and Luffy could talk about what had happened, what exactly ‘okay’ meant. If Luffy had forgiven Zoro for pulling away and creating a mess, if that kiss had meant what Zoro desperately wanted it to. Later. Survive first. Feelings after.

Resolute now that he had made a decision Zoro moved up to his proper place at Luffy’s side, listened to what the others were discussing. Luffy peered over at him, grinned secretively before ducking beneath the brim of his hat, a charming shade of pink crested his cheekbones. Zoro looked away, a matching rouge darkening his own. Their shoulders bumped together in a familiar way, their hands brushed in a silent promise.

_Later._

As the warlord once again stood looming over him, his body once again refusing to fight any longer Zoro realized that later would never come. He had been foolish, thinking for even a moment that there may be room in their bloody world for something as fragile as love. He had let himself hope, to believe that he could have something more.

Stupid.

As the hand swung down at him his eyes sought out the sight of his captain, bruised and beaten on the ground. Zoro has really failed him this time. The first to fall. He sent a silent prayer that somehow Luffy would survive, would somehow be able to make it to freedom. _Someone please, save him._

He whispered,

_“Goodbye. I love you.”_

The paw made contact, and Zoro fell into darkness.

[End: Unable are the Loved to Die]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> Thank you so much all the lovely beings who have left kudos or commented <3 Your support is basically my life force at this point.  
> I am currently working on the sequel if you are interested :) .  
> Truly, thank you for reading this incredibly indulgent fic of mine, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> I recently made a curiouscat if you're interested  
> https://curiouscat.qa/BasicallyACat  
> Much love.  
> -M


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